When you hear the word anger, what comes to mind?
For many people, it’s yelling. Conflict. Losing control. Someone saying something they’ll regret.
For me? Anger used to be my least favorite emotion.
It felt overwhelming, intimidating, and honestly… a little scary. I spent much of my life trying to avoid it. I prided myself on being agreeable, easygoing, and accommodating. If I could smooth things over, keep the peace, or stay quiet, I usually did.
There isn’t anything inherently wrong with being kind or cooperative. But over time, I began to notice something.
The more I pushed my anger away, the heavier everything else became.
What I experienced as sadness, exhaustion, or resentment often had anger quietly sitting underneath it, asking for my attention.
It wasn’t until I started allowing myself to actually experience and express my anger that I realized it wasn’t trying to ruin my life.
It was trying to help me change it.
Anger Isn’t The Enemy
One of the biggest misconceptions about anger is that it’s a “bad” emotion.
The truth is that anger is just information.
Like joy tells us something feels meaningful, or fear tells us something feels unsafe, anger often tells us that something important matters to us.
Anger isn’t asking us to lash out. It’s asking us to pay attention.
When we learn to listen to it instead of suppressing it, anger can become a powerful guide toward clearer communication, stronger boundaries, deeper self-awareness, and a life that feels more aligned with who we are.
My Relationship With Anger Changed
Recently, I attended an experience called RAGEher—a movement and embodiment workshop centered around expressing rage in safe, intentional ways.
Before attending, I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect, and what I found surprised me.
Instead of feeling chaotic or destructive, the experience felt incredibly grounding. There was permission to move, make noise, take up space, and release emotions that so many of us have been taught to swallow.
It reminded me of something I’d already started discovering in my own therapy journey.
After what felt like countless sessions of talking through difficult experiences, I eventually hit a wall. I understood my emotions intellectually, but I still felt like I was carrying them everywhere I went.
One day, I got into my car, turned my music up as loud as it would go… and just screamed.
Not at anyone in particular, not because I “lost it”. Just because my body needed somewhere for all of that energy to go.
And it felt surprisingly relieving. Since then, I’ve learned that many of the moments when I feel most overwhelmed aren’t because my anger is too big. It’s because I’ve been trying so hard not to feel it.
The more room I give my anger to exist safely, the easier it becomes to stay grounded during frustrating conversations with my partner, my family, or the world around me. I’ve become better at asking for what I need. I’ve started noticing patterns that consistently frustrate me and making changes to my routines or environment instead of assuming I simply need to “deal with it.” Knowing my anger felt terrifying at first. Now, practicing with it feels empowering.
Anger Lives in the Body, Too
Many of us think emotions only exist in our minds.
But our bodies experience them, too.
Research from neuroscientist Dr. Candace Pert helped us better understand that emotions aren’t simply thoughts floating around in our brains. They involve chemical messengers throughout the body, helping explain why emotions can feel so physical.
Have you ever noticed your jaw clenching, shoulder tightening, stomach knotting, or a heavy-feeling chest?
Our bodies are constantly communicating with us. When emotions repeatedly go unexpressed, our bodies often continue carrying the tension.
This is one reason why embodied forms of emotional expression can feel so meaningful. Sometimes our bodies need to participate in the healing process—not just our thoughts.
What Healthy Anger
Can Look Like
Expressing anger doesn’t mean hurting yourself or someone else.
In fact, healthy anger usually looks much quieter than people expect.
It can sound like:
- “Actually, that didn’t sit well with me.”
- “I need some space before we continue this conversation.”
- “No.”
- “I deserve better than this.”
Sometimes it looks like changing your environment.
Sometimes it looks like ending a relationship.
Sometimes it looks like finally admitting that something isn’t working anymore.
Anger doesn’t always create destruction.
Sometimes it creates clarity.
Safe Ways to Explore Your Anger
If anger feels unfamiliar—or even scary—you don’t have to dive into the deep end.
Start by creating a safe, private space where you can let your emotions exist without worrying about how they’re being perceived.
You could try:
✍️ Writing everything down. Don’t worry about grammar, spelling, or making sense. Just let the words come. If you never want to read them again, that’s okay.
📄 Then, rip up the paper. Sometimes your body needs an action that matches what you’re feeling.
🎵 Scream somewhere safe. Into a pillow. In your car with the music turned up. Into the ocean, a lake, the woods, or underwater if that’s available to you.
🛏️ Throw a tantrum. Seriously. Kick your legs into your mattress. Hit a pillow. Let your body move instead of staying perfectly composed.
💃 Dance it out. Make yourself a rage playlist and move however your body wants to move. (Laura’s recommendation? Indy Kidz by Cage the Elephant.)
The goal isn’t to become consumed by anger, it’s just to give it somewhere safe to go. When we intentionally release some of that energy, we’re often able to respond more thoughtfully in the moments that matter most.
Closing Thoughts
Your anger isn’t your enemy.
It isn’t something you need to conquer, silence, or apologize for simply because it exists.
Like every emotion, anger carries information. It points toward your needs, your values, your boundaries, and the parts of yourself that deserve to be heard.
You don’t have to fear it.
You can get curious about it.
Because sometimes the emotion we’ve spent the most energy avoiding is the very one that helps us reconnect with ourselves.
Reflection Prompts
- When was the last time I felt angry, and what do I think that anger was trying to protect or communicate?
- Growing up, what messages did I receive about expressing anger?
- How does anger usually show up in my body before I notice it in my mind?
- What is one safe way I could begin expressing anger instead of suppressing it?
- If my anger had a voice, what might it want me to hear today?
Meet the Author
Laura Young is a licensed mental health therapist and art therapist at Thrive Ahead Co., located in the Bucktown neighborhood. Laura serves clients not only in Bucktown, but in the larger city of Chicago and surrounding suburbs.
Laura blends traditional therapy with an exploratory, creative approach to navigating the difficulities life can throw at us. In addition, if aligning with a client, they also leverage art therapy in their practice.
Their specialities include depression/mood concerns, personal growth, self-understanding, identity exploration, anxiety and overwhelm, and self-expression.
Meet the Founder
Jenn Graus is the incredible founder behind Thrive Ahead Co. and a licensed clinical professional counselor. Jenn is an active guide for her clients, is involved, approachable and attentive.
“You can bet that in a tough session, we’ll still find ways to connect with humor as I truly believe when used well it’s one of the most integrating skills we can have, to know and hold this lightness at the same time as the seriousness and even pain that life brings us.”
(Neurodivergence)(Neurodivergence) neurodivergence. Neurodivergence
