Couples Therapy: Rethinking Infidelity and Making your Marriage Work

Couples Therapy is never one size fits all and if you meet a therapist who says it is, they are fooling you. Do you notice that you are fighting more? Have you realized that you aren’t hearing your partner/spouse or significant other(s)? Do you feel disconnected from one another? Gottman Couples Marital Therapy is an evidence based approach developed by Drs. John & Julie Gottman a married couple and psychologists.The Gottman Method aims to help couples improve communication, increase intimacy, develop respect and affection for one another, and create understanding.  By working with a Gottman trained therapist like myself, you learn how to make small positive changes in how you speak to one another. Everyday interactions become less of a conflict and more of a place to connect with one another.  Drs. John and Julie Gottman created a framework called, “The Sound Relationship House Therory.” The Sound Relationship House Theory looks at your relationship as the structure of the house. The house is a metaphor with seven levels and two structural pillars that end up making up the “Nine Aspects of a Healthy Relationship.”

Build Love Maps

  • Sharing Fondness & Admiration
  • Turn Towards Each Other
  • The Positive Perspective
  • Managing Conflict
  • Making Life Dreams & Aspirations Come True
  • Creating Shared Meaning
  • Trust
  • Commitment

 The structural pillars of the house are Trust and Commitment. As a couple in sessions, I will ask you about your commitment to the process and trust for one another. As part of the trust, I ask for a NO SECRETS Policy. We cannot have secrets in couple’s therapy because it destroys the trust that each other has. If secrets are kept the process won’t work.

 Dr. John Gottman has done years of studies to determine with 91 percent accuracy how marriages end in divorce. Dr. John Gottman calls these indicators the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Contempt, Defensiveness, Criticism, and Stonewalling.)” Dr. John Gottman has reported saying, “I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen minutes.” While I can’t say that I can see whether a couple will divorce after listening to and watching them for fifteen minutes, what I can say is that these predictors of divorce are real and I have seen them active in relationships. Through the Gottman Method and working with a trained Gottman Therapist you learn how to make your interactions with one another more positive and when these predictors arise you as a couple will know how to address them together.

As part of working together, we will get to know your relationship and the ebbs and flows of life that you’ve both experienced. We all come to the table with experiences in life that shape how we react and interact in our relationships. As part of that we sometimes have to experience loss of a piece of our relationships from affairs or infidelity. Esther Perel another very well respected psychotherapist and Gottman favorite discusses that we need to rethink how we view infidelity because it’s different for all of us. Infidelity can be a taboo or topic that couples often don’t want to discuss but often needs to be discussed because if we don’t address the infidelity how can we begin to address the “other issues” we see as problems.

As a Gottman Level 2 trained therapist, I try to see the relationship from all angles and see that each of you come with your own individual thoughts and feelings about relationships. As part of our process together I meet with you both together and both individually. As part of our assessment process I try to get as much information as possible so that everything is laid out on the table for us. Also to mention that I am both of your therapist and will not take a side. I will always try to help you both see each others points.

Making the decision to enter into couples therapy has to be a joint decision and one that should be made together. You both don’t have to always agree but for how long can you both continue to have your relationship feel uneven and for the communication to be broken? Today is your opportunity to make a change.


Jordan White is a licensed clinical social worker at Thrive Ahead Co., located in the Bucktown neighborhood. Jordan serves clients not only in Bucktown, but Chicago, and surrounding suburbs and offers 10 years of experience as a social worker and is a Gottman-Trained Couples Therapist. Jordan is experienced with diverse age groups and cultural backgrounds, making him adept at providing support in various areas. His specialties include offering support for anxiety & depression, ADHD, executive functioning, OCD, perfectionism, adoptee work, couples & relationships, body image, life transitions & trauma work. Schedule A Consultation Call Today Here



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