While their definitions might vary a bit, most of us are familiar with the concepts of self-help or self-improvement. Of course, these have their time and place, but they often center upon the notion that we have a long way to go before we get wherever we need to be.
Self-compassion is a way of meeting ourselves in a very different place: right where we are.
Meeting Ourselves with Kindness
As humans, we respond to life’s hardships in many different ways. Among these are self-judgement, criticism, and even shame. We may judge ourselves for not progressing as we would have liked, shame ourselves for not being the kind of person we’ve been told we “should” be, or critique ourselves in a constant state of never-good-enough. Each of these can add difficulty to already-painful realities.
It’s not uncommon for us to witness the challenges of others with a bit more compassion and empathy than we extend toward ourselves. We may recognize the hardships of those we love from a place of understanding and kindness, but for many people, we see ourselves as the one exception to those who are deserving of this kind of support. Self-compassion invites us to take the care and kindness we might more easily extend to others, and turn it inward. To set down the often-familiar approaches of self-judgement and shame, and take a kinder approach with ourselves. It does not mean we want to stay where we are forever, or that we have to like our painful circumstances. It simply allows us to respond with genuine kindness and acceptance.
Kristin Neff, a leading voice in self-compassion research and work, describes this as a shift toward being our own “inner ally,” rather than moving through life as our own worst enemy.
In a society fixated on optimizing and “perfecting,” it’s not uncommon to receive the message that we are not enough. That our needs are not worth recognizing, our limits are not worth honoring, our dreams are not worth taking seriously, or our pain does not have an acceptable place in the world. Compassion, whether for others or toward ourselves, allows us to recognize the humanity in these experiences. To hold them, without judgement, in the care that they need and the dignity they deserve.
Self-compassion recognizes that shame isn’t the truest thing about us, and allows us to consider curiosity over harsh judgement.
Self-compassion allows us to make some room for our humanity, and in doing so frees up space for authentic living. Self-compassion recognizes that living takes many shapes and includes many things; it affirms that we’re allowed to be as we are, here and now.
Introducing Self-Compassion in Your Life
Curious about incorporating self-compassion practices for yourself? Here are a few simple ways to begin:
Craft yourself a compassionate letter
Writing a letter to yourself (past or present) can be a meaningful way to connect with who you are in a compassionate way. You might offer words of encouragement, kindness, perspective, or care. A helpful beginning might be: “What would I tell a loved one if they were facing the same challenge that I am now?”
Embrace the reality of your limits
Wellness does not come from “perfecting” ourselves, but rather by accepting ourselves as we are and growing from this authentic place. Recognizing that we are not infinite, and honoring the human needs and limits that come with this reality, is a way of extending care and compassion to ourselves. This can be especially meaningful during challenging times, like after a loss or a big change, when our capacity is reduced.
Honoring your small steps
Growth and change hardly ever happen rapidly, and it can be deeply self-supportive to recognize the little steps and small movements you’re making along the way. Judgement and shaming are not fertile soil for authentic change. Pause to name and savor the growth you’re seeing, even if (especially if) you’re not quite where you want to be yet. Find a way to remind yourself that the small steps matter, maybe through a symbol, reminder, or consistent practice. You don’t have to figure it all out now, and it’s okay if things take the time they take.
Integrating self-compassion in a counseling session, and beyond, does not need to be complex to be meaningful. The important thing–and sometimes the challenging thing–is for it to be authentic.
For our compassion to be turned inward in a way that meets us where we really are, in a way we actually believe.
Self-Care in Practice
Real self-compassion is not about saying the “right” affirmations or forcing yourself to feel positively. It is about finding what feels true enough to believe in the moment.
It might look like one of these:
- Exploring and releasing self-judgement
- Opening up to curiosity and acceptance
- Acknowledging pain
- Finding ways to express kindness and care toward ourselves
- Taking action that honors our experience
- Recognizing the common humanity we share with others
Any of these can be a valuable way to begin exploring and introducing self-compassion into our lives. Sometimes, even when we want to treat ourselves with this kind of care, it can feel forced or insincere. That’s quite alright, there’s room for that, too. Self-compassion might seem simple, but it’s not just a switch we can flip. We can explore what feels honest, and start there. With time, small steps carry us to new places.
Reflection Prompts
- Where do I notice self-judgment showing up most often in my life right now?
- What would it look like to respond to that part of myself with kindness instead of criticism?
- Are there areas where I expect more from myself than I would expect from someone I love?
- What is one small way I could practice self-compassion this week?
- Where might I need support, from myself or from others, to feel more cared for right now?
A closing note: In any discussion of self-compassion and self-support, it is also important to name that none of us exist in a vacuum. While our society uplifts individualism, we are also relational beings, and we need connection with others. No matter how intentional, authentic, or consistent our self-compassion and self-care may be, we cannot stand entirely alone. Community-care and collective compassion are experienced in the moments of living that we enter into with others. These may be moments of joy or pain; they are often vulnerable, and they are always shared. To experience this shared humanity alongside others can offer a profound affirmation that we are not alone and that we can experience connection just as we are. Here, too, is meaningful compassion for living.
Meet the Author
Nate Sullivan is a therapist at Thrive Ahead Co., located in the Bucktown neighborhood. Nate serves clients not only in Bucktown, but in the larger city of Chicago and surrounding suburbs.
Nate offers a compassionate, relational approach to therapy, creating space for clients to feel seen, heard, and supported as they navigate life’s challenges. His work is collaborative and flexible, helping individuals explore their experiences with curiosity, honesty, and care while moving toward greater clarity, connection, and authenticity.
His specialties include life transitions, identity exploration, spiritual and existential questions, LGBTQIA+ support, and fostering deeper self-understanding and meaningful connection.
Meet the Founder
Jenn Graus is the incredible founder behind Thrive Ahead Co. and a licensed clinical professional counselor. Jenn is an active guide for her clients, is involved, approachable and attentive.
“You can bet that in a tough session, we’ll still find ways to connect with humor as I truly believe when used well it’s one of the most integrating skills we can have, to know and hold this lightness at the same time as the seriousness and even pain that life brings us.”
(Neurodivergence)(Neurodivergence) neurodivergence. Neurodivergence
